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Today was a day like any other day. It was boring, tired some, and without meaning. As normal I wake up dreading the school day. Praying to some god up there that I can have just a few minutes more of sleep. Having to wake up at 6 in the morning just to go high school while my brother gets to sleep till 8 because he’s in middle school. Eating school breakfast isn’t fun either. They say their trying to feed us “healthy food” but what’s healthy about eggs that taste like water or worse. I say hi to the many friends I have, or should I call them acquaintances. I mean we never really hang out after school and sometimes I can’t even remember their name.   Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have a real friend like you read in books or see on tv. There ones that you know everything about and spend time together doing everything. My “friends” go on with the conversation as if I wasn’t there and I just nod my head and say yeah.  Like today Steffy just kept going on and on about this zhen eyelash curler for her small eyes and blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!!

Geometry is probably the worst subject I have this year. Algebra I can handle and grasp but geometry is different. It’s all about finding angles, linear pairs, being able to figure out the degrees in an angle. It’s like what am I going to need this for. I’m not going into a career that involves that much math. All the teacher does is go over homework, give us more homework, and tests. I sit in the back of the class so I never listen anyways. I just doodle and act like I’m writing something. I know no one in the class so it’s no use trying to talk to someone they already have their little cliques.        Now I love world history. I like finding out how different religions ruled and people fought over lands and titles. It can be interesting, but when you move the people I know away from me that’s when it’s no fun. It’s like sitting in a room full of strangers. In fact IT IS sitting with a room full of strangers. I was absent from school yesterday because I didn’t fell well. When I walked into world history my teacher didn’t even notice I was gone! I just smiled and said ” yeah I’m like that”. Inside though I was hurt even if it was a teacher. I mean they’re supposed to notice you’re there. It just proves again I’m nothing to everybody just a vapor.        Spanish 2 should really be called Spanish 1 because you go over the same things you did last year. I’m a sophmore learning thing from Spanish 1! My Spanish 1 teacher talked more about cheerleading than Spanish. So we take a review test today over Spanish 1 and I’m like “huh?” through the whole thing. Now I do have a friend named Kayla in my class. We talk everyone in a while and during lunch. I also have her in a few other classes. She can be a fun person.        Like most of my friends they all lost their virginity when they were 12-14 years old. It comes up often too. There always dating or going on dates and I’m stuck at home with my parents. They talk about guys they’ve done or guys they like. I’m stuck just listening because I’ve never actually had a boyfriend or gone on a date. It’s pretty sad. All last year I didn’t date either. It reminds me again that I’m alone in the world. I don’t know why guys don’t go out with me. I know I’m not the prettiest, smartest, or even best dresser at times but I do like to have fun and I know when to dress up for things. You could say I’m a romantic. I dream of a guy wraping his arms around me and holding tight. I see the couples kissing in the hall and I want to be one of those couples too. I want to be able to look into someones eyes and know that they love ME. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.         My last class today is Vocal Ensemble. Basically it’s chorus but we perform more. It an okay class. I mean I love to sing ang it a fun class. There’s not much to tell there except for an incident that happened last week. We were picking teams for a fundraiser. I was the last one standing and the guy kept going over the class looking for whoever was left. I mean I was STANDING UP and he couldn’t see me! It  was sad and pathetic. I mean this was my second year in VE(vocal ensemble). Nothing else really happened. I been writing here so far. This is where I say goodbye for now.

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He never saw it coming And look where he is now A broken mess of tears and guilt He knows it’s not his fault, but somehow He blames himself For every little thing He cries for her But he doesn’t know what he’s done to me The pain will come and go But some things will never mend He’ll move on to someone new Though it will never be the same again {Chorus} He’s crying inside He’s dying inside He’s such a disaster— Such a beautiful disaster I was never quite sure If I felt as bad as I’d let on I told him I would be there But I might have let him fall Wasn’t I obvious? Didn’t he even have a clue? The pain that he’s feeling now Was the same pain he’d put me through {Chorus} And he’s crying inside He’s dying inside He’s such a disaster— Such a beautiful disaster {Bridge} He’s so broken within Misery has taken him And he’s so beautiful… {Chorus} He’s crying inside He’s dying inside He’s such a disaster Such a beautiful disaster He’s crying inside He’s dying inside He’s such a disaster Such a beautiful disaster

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This may be a bit of a rush; after all, this is my first blog, but feelings are feelings, no? So I’m going to post them here. The subject: Boys. Now, if you knew me, you would know that the phrase “I’m confused!” is practically my trademark. You would hear it in my math class, when trying to open my locker, chemistry, during dance practice, or following any sort of explicit instruction at least three times. But this is a different kind of confusion. This confusion runs deep. I don’t think there is a girl out there who understands what goes on in boys’ minds (excluding males-gone-female…sex change, yes; psychological change, no). And sure, the guys are all, ” We are not difficult to understand! Yada, yada, blah, blah.” You honestly think that you have that simple mind, do you? Well, you do in a sense. You rarely having more than three things on your minds at all times, and are slightly retarded (natural male birth defect), but that does not make you any easier to understand. Oh, how can a person like me even explain all of the confusing, messed up things that go on in that puny mind? I’m sure it makes sense to the one thinking it, just like this paragraph of horrible grammar and proper-English-deficiency makes sense to me. Ok, ok, ok. What is this all winding down to. If you were any of my past English teachers you would be red-pen-ing my paper in a mad fashion, scribbling “Where is the structure? The flow? WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME!” in the margins. So, let met just give it to you plain and simple: girls take things literally, guys. We don’t liked to be played around with. If your intentions with a girl go only as far as friendship, don’t make her feel special. Treat her like everyone else. Otherwise, she gets the wrong message and ends up writing down strange things in her blog that don’t even make sense. It’s just not fair. So watch where you’re leading her, or she might end up speaking her mind about you on the internet for all eyes to see if they wish.

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quiet stillness

The Giving Tree: Cupressus macrocarpa by aroid

i am not i am the seagull
who flies
so high
i am like silkk the bombshell the shocker
the shock the revelation
the bolt from the blue
part, even though i’m not
for my part anymore becausei’m,
lacking you, i wish that you helped
me in hbzmail. 368 natives
left still they did not see what
this world could ever hurt me.
day by day i bear
all throughthe crowd some of the sea.


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